Tags: alcohol free world

Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

Spring awakening

I thought I smelled a whiff of spring when I walked to the library today. I stopped at a shrub, watching birds flit about it, between it and the tree nearby. It suddenly struck me that I'm in my own spring awakening. That's what this extended transition is. No wonder I've been sensing it as the sea change that it is. I've been not just "spring isn't my favorite season" but actively loathing spring for a couple of decades now. I saw it as a kind of 'false promises' season long before Rosie committed suicide on a May day. In an academic year sense, spring is a time of endings, and why I always loved autumn. Autumn is/was a time for new starts and beginnings!

But now... now I'm almost electric with the burgeoning going on in my psyche. I feel I *am* promise. I *am* potential. It makes my drive toward the bright and vibrant make much more sense! I'm budding.

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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

Dumbing down, being safe, and patience

Last night after having a really blissful, productive yet also leisurely, weekend, I found myself somewhat unexpectedly in tears and asking Evan if he thought that I'd need to sacrifice truly compelling/engaging/challenging work for the rest of my life in order to be 'safe' in regards to my disorder. In other words: is the ultimate sacrifice in having a mostly stress-free life in which I'm not drawn toward alcohol as any kind of coping mechanism (but also not bored, because that's an even more compelling trigger for me, longer term) that I don't challenge myself in a work environment? That I'll never be paid anything close to what I believe I could earn, and more importantly, be in a role in which I'm learning new skills, taking on more responsibility, and feeling like I'm actually being challenged? He was very encouraging and supportive and said, "No, what you're doing now isn't going to be permanent. Once you have some real time under your belt and your brain and body and psyche have had an opportunity to really heal and you're feeling much stronger, only you would be able to hold yourself back. What you're doing now is temporary. Goodness only knows how things will be a few, much less several months or a year or more from now. You'll be working for at least a couple more decades, if you want. This is just how things are now."

I really, really, needed to hear that from him. If any of you, most of whom have known me for a decade or longer and haven't seen me function in an alcohol-free mode for more than 7 months at a time (and even then, that's only happened twice since... 1988), if you can envision how much more potent and fulfilled I will be in the future and can share that, I'd be grateful. No pressure, however. 😍

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