This morning I've found myself to be peevish and testy, pretty much 100% due to two consecutive nights of (my usual) very long and vivid dreamscapes, complete with all of the emotions tied up in them that feel just as real as anything else. But 2 nights ago in dreamland I was drinking a lot and also having really hot sex with a former boyfriend (in my dreams I think I'm nearly always in my mid-30s) and wondering how I was going to explain it all to Evan, and then this morning I had another dream in which I was housesitting or something like it and the grounds outside and the house inside was beautiful and I had on beautiful music I was singing along to and helping myself to a very large glass of straight up Kentucky bourbon. In the dream I then drove to some school (it had something to do with ancillary childsitting, I think, though I wasn't watching any children at the time) and then went back to the house and knew I was supposed to check in with Evan but I didn't want to because I knew he'd hear it in my voice that I'd been drinking. So I didn't call and was trying to be happy and drink and sing for as long as I could until I knew he'd just show up and that would be the end of that. Waking up was in some ways a relief, but all of the emotions from all of what dream-Kristi is up to feel as real as anything else I go through in a day. Logically I note to myself, "Hey! Bonus! Dream Kristi is having plenty of time with Her Ladyship, Alcohol, and you during the day don't need to suffer any downsides to that physically because it's not actually in your system." But emotionally, the guilt and swirling other negative emotions associated with drinking and hiding, hiding my drinking, thinking I'm hiding my drinking, acting out because nobody gets to control me and whether or not I'm drinking... all of that is hanging out in my current morning psyche, getting in the way of everything due to FEELS about something I didn't actually do in recent days. I can understand that perhaps this is the safest way to act out, since the only real downside to acting out in my dreamscape is that I'm stuck with the emotions of having made poor choices when on this side of awake, I actually haven't. But certainly in the recent past I have and perhaps I haven't really absolved myself of as much as I'd like to think I have.
Dealing with emotional discomfort is part of adulting, though, and I know good and well this will pass, I'll go to work, I'll continue to be super engrossed in the amazing trainwreck of reading Bob Woodword's "Fear: Trump in the White House" during my commute, I'll do lots of data entry/charge entry at work and be in my own little world, and hopefully I can enjoy sauna this evening and there won't be too many loud breathers with penises (it's co-ed all other hours at Everett House other than when I'm now used to going, Sundays between 10-3).
Yeah, I'm a bit cranky and it seems unfair because the feelings are tied up in activities I didn't actually engage in recently. But aside from the cheating aspect, all of the rest of it are definitely feelings I've had over the past 15 years. Suppose that's not much of a surprise, though having felt so stellar and full of accomplishment and self-validation and being in my Dharma, this unpleasantness is particularly irritating. But it will pass. I'll aim for acceptance and just keeping on today.
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