Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

My first prompt! "Evermind"

jaiden_s gave me this prompt: I'm trying to remember the specifics of your LOTR stories, but it's been a minute since I read them. What about a short scene related to cooking? Maybe baking bread or realizing an ingredient is missing or having to whip something up for guests with what is in the pantry?

So here is a very short vignette, 447 words. Mostly a written tone poem, I suppose. Super G rating.
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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

Interview/schedule update

Things are going so quickly in motion! After a thoroughly delightful phone interview/screening for one place, I now have an in-person interview a week from today. That means:

Tuesday- interview 10:00 w/ NUNM
Thursday- interview 8:00 w/ OCHIN, interview 12:00 w/ CCC

Three interviews in 72 hours. I believe that's a new record for me!!! :P

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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

New completed knitted project and a few other thoughts

Since I'm still not getting the photo hosting and resizing here on DW and don't feel it has priority enough to do more learning, I'm just going to post a link to my knitted project on Ravlery, here. Very happy with that particular garment: the structure, the process of knitting it, and the result. Quite a home run. Soon I'll be starting a matching pair of knitted hot pants/shorts to go with it since I needed to get a second ginormous skein of that yarn to finish the sweater.

This morning I've found myself to be peevish and testy, pretty much 100% due to two consecutive nights of (my usual) very long and vivid dreamscapes, complete with all of the emotions tied up in them that feel just as real as anything else. But 2 nights ago in dreamland I was drinking a lot and also having really hot sex with a former boyfriend (in my dreams I think I'm nearly always in my mid-30s) and wondering how I was going to explain it all to Evan, and then this morning I had another dream in which I was housesitting or something like it and the grounds outside and the house inside was beautiful and I had on beautiful music I was singing along to and helping myself to a very large glass of straight up Kentucky bourbon. In the dream I then drove to some school (it had something to do with ancillary childsitting, I think, though I wasn't watching any children at the time) and then went back to the house and knew I was supposed to check in with Evan but I didn't want to because I knew he'd hear it in my voice that I'd been drinking. So I didn't call and was trying to be happy and drink and sing for as long as I could until I knew he'd just show up and that would be the end of that. Waking up was in some ways a relief, but all of the emotions from all of what dream-Kristi is up to feel as real as anything else I go through in a day. Logically I note to myself, "Hey! Bonus! Dream Kristi is having plenty of time with Her Ladyship, Alcohol, and you during the day don't need to suffer any downsides to that physically because it's not actually in your system." But emotionally, the guilt and swirling other negative emotions associated with drinking and hiding, hiding my drinking, thinking I'm hiding my drinking, acting out because nobody gets to control me and whether or not I'm drinking... all of that is hanging out in my current morning psyche, getting in the way of everything due to FEELS about something I didn't actually do in recent days. I can understand that perhaps this is the safest way to act out, since the only real downside to acting out in my dreamscape is that I'm stuck with the emotions of having made poor choices when on this side of awake, I actually haven't. But certainly in the recent past I have and perhaps I haven't really absolved myself of as much as I'd like to think I have.

Dealing with emotional discomfort is part of adulting, though, and I know good and well this will pass, I'll go to work, I'll continue to be super engrossed in the amazing trainwreck of reading Bob Woodword's "Fear: Trump in the White House" during my commute, I'll do lots of data entry/charge entry at work and be in my own little world, and hopefully I can enjoy sauna this evening and there won't be too many loud breathers with penises (it's co-ed all other hours at Everett House other than when I'm now used to going, Sundays between 10-3).

Yeah, I'm a bit cranky and it seems unfair because the feelings are tied up in activities I didn't actually engage in recently. But aside from the cheating aspect, all of the rest of it are definitely feelings I've had over the past 15 years. Suppose that's not much of a surprise, though having felt so stellar and full of accomplishment and self-validation and being in my Dharma, this unpleasantness is particularly irritating. But it will pass. I'll aim for acceptance and just keeping on today.

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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

Short for now

My vast thanks to @sanguinity for sharing with me that DW lets you upload images and host them here! Somehow I'd totally missed that. So here's a photo of me and Evan with @bookherd, @grrlpup and @sanguinity!!

Edited a few days later because I don't yet know how to resize. Photo perhaps coming later, perhaps not.

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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

A very social weekend, and of course, more insights

The start of my weekend was unique in that the clinic closed at 3 o'clock to host an 8 year celebration. I'd thought it would be an informal thing, and I believe it was, but it also became plain that in addition to there being lots of wine and sparkling wine, that it would be going on for a good couple of hours with the physicians and their families. With all that being the case, I decided that having extra daylight at the end of my day when I was already off the clock and not needing to spend lots of time around free alcohol (I'm not uncomfortable around it, but was already thinking about how to answer any questions about why I was abstaining) meant that I came home. The weekend was very social, especially for Evan and myself. We gave blood Saturday morning, then went by Mod Physique to pick up a cord for the inversion table I bought from Jessa (we're sadly *still* missing one element to the heater/massager element for the table), went to Seagrape for me to get a vial of essential oils I like as well as a ceremonial candle, saw Jocelyn at her house, then later in the evening met Evan's sister, his nieces and brother in law for a very yummy birthday dinner at a Thai restaurant south of Milwaukie. It was in honor of Arwen's birthday and a really great time. It felt tremendous to be comfortable to be with them just as I am. Yesterday morning was, of course, sauna, with me sharing yet another outpouring of thoughts and visions for myself in this amazing transformative year, then we went out to Hillsboro to be with Nicole and Chris and Holly and Elizabeth. What a treat!!! In between all of that, I had a long phone conversation with my dad and stepmom, hearing about their recent trip to New Zealand and Australia, with my sister, and also my mom. I even touched base with my friend Rhonda from my Nashville Opera days, but she was out with a friend herself.

Newish items to my self-awareness: in addition to being a Burgeoning Indomitable Leader, I'm also a Pavonine Creatrix. This is my Bespoke Year. I already wear a lot of bespoke clothes since I knit a lot and do sew on occasion, plus I take existing garments apart and make new things, or dye them, things like that. My hair is also bespoke, and as of last night's experiment, a rose gold with hints of magenta and looks pretty fried. :( It'll get better. Things I'm considering as part of this big year, since I know that 49 is the big one for me, not 50: an orchid/lilac leather pantsuit; a commissioned piece of jewelry, perhaps using some of the stones I have that are in settings I never wear; and then this list of actions and goals:
    ~ learning to safely and confidently do a front and back walkover
    ~ do a couple of big photoshoots of my knitted garments and/or my workout gear
    ~ learn how to safely lift weights
    ~ return to my 'fighting' weight of 110-115 and stay there
    ~ work on a particular novella with my cousin Matthew (perhaps more on that later)

Plus my regular to-do lists and new job and regular work schedule which starts today! I'm working Mon-Fri now, approximately 9-5:30 M-Th and then 8-4:30 on Fridays.

Speaking of, I have to go get ready for work. On this week's to do list is to really make my new Mind Movie, just recognizing that I want to be sure about specifics since I'm in such a powerful manifesting state. If I believe I'm going to make it happen, I will!! A few things for it beyond what's in the list above is us getting a cat (I passed the 3 month post-alcohol mark a few days ago)and finishing my 3rd and final Reggie/Kelp story that I was working on daily until everything creative in my world turned to fiber arts. ;)

Here's to a really good week!!!

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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

Knitting projects, visions, ideas, yarns

I thought it might be easier to create a 3-dimensional representation of what's going on in this supercalifragilisticreative brainscape in which I find myself than to try and use words. Plus, I don't think I've ever tried to show a concept of something in my head via a photo shoot! It's a few things, the most prominent one being of a double-knitted, 100% reversible swing coat with an op-art-sized houndstooth image, or oversized houndstooth pattern generally. Then there's also this Fox Paws pattern with a knitting technique I've never done so I got a set of 5 colors in inexpensive yarns to practice it. This picture sortof captures what's going on in my head with this explosion of ideas, patterns and concepts of creations I'm going to be making into real garments!

knitting books and yarns

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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

Self-awareness waves

Today's being really phenomenal. I attended the Sanctuary alumni call/video chat this morning and it was incredibly intimate in terms of participants (3, then a 4th showed up 45 minutes into the hour long time) and also in terms of ground we covered aloud during our talk. I felt as though I had a year's worth of counseling/therapy insights shared with me in under an hour! I'm going to write up some of the topics we discussed, as well as a slew of visual imagery and analogies that came to me. Great discussions about our shadow selves, respecting those self-defense processes and patterns that kept us alive even though we don't use them now, and specifics of how to be mindful. What a gift.

Analogies and insights kept coming while Evan and I went and ran some errands, including a new understanding that in addition to this year being that in which I am a Burgeoning Indomitable Leader, 2019 is also the Year I Don't Justify My Actions. Since December I've been living authentically and not harming myself and others, no small feat for someone out of practice. I feel I can trust my decision making at this time, which also means there's no innate fear of having done something wrong. Or feeling that I'll get caught out on something I felt was wrong at the time but did it anyway, hoping I could get away with it. Without that baggage, there's no need to rationalize or justify. It's giving me a lot more bandwidth to focus my energies on work and my creative outputs.

Speaking of, I'm on hiatus from the third Reggie/Kelp. I've had an outpouring of textile images and projects come to me in recent weeks, so I'm finishing up a knitting project for one of my nieces and then will commence on several other knitting projects. That's what's been coming at me, so that's what I'm throwing my time and energies into. I'm sure I'll cycle back around to writing when that's what feels right. Trusting those instincts is also a gift.

As Evan said to me this morning, "You sound like you're in your dharma!" ☸

So much gratitude!! ☺

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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

"Burgeoning Indomitable Leader"

While at sauna this morning, breathing in the restorative steam solo in the steam room, I was thinking about my next mind movie, which is essentially a video vision board. I've known this was going to be an extended period of transition even before this major change due to my new job and new responsibilities. But I realized just how much I'll be learning this year in my work environment: I'll be coding for office visits and procedures. I'll be billing for facilities and professional fees. I'll be learning Centricity, an older but known software in the field. I'll be seeing what it takes to start up a successful (and hopefully aspirational!) billing department within a clinic from the ground up. I'll also be up close and personal seeing what it's like for one business manager to hand over the reins and see how the clinic can increase efficiency and evolve during such a major changing of the guard **while** establishing a brand new in-house billing and coding team.

You know what all of that is? It's incredibly useful, experiential time and knowledge to add to an already rich work life. I believe I'm going to be a sponge this year, absorbing everything I can so that I can take on a leadership role of some kind within my professional community. I've been in the workforce a long time, and have a lot of perspective and knowledge to share. Most of my work roles have been on teams of one, or entry level, with no real opportunity to be on a leadership track. But what I'm going to be a part of from it's near-genesis is an opportunity of a lifetime, really-- and the experience will be applicable in so many environments. I am very excited about the upcoming challenges and growth I can tell are headed my way.

Who am I now? Burgeoning Indomitable Leader.

Next year? I suppose I'll be gifted with that inspiration for manifestation when the time is right. :)

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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

Spring awakening

I thought I smelled a whiff of spring when I walked to the library today. I stopped at a shrub, watching birds flit about it, between it and the tree nearby. It suddenly struck me that I'm in my own spring awakening. That's what this extended transition is. No wonder I've been sensing it as the sea change that it is. I've been not just "spring isn't my favorite season" but actively loathing spring for a couple of decades now. I saw it as a kind of 'false promises' season long before Rosie committed suicide on a May day. In an academic year sense, spring is a time of endings, and why I always loved autumn. Autumn is/was a time for new starts and beginnings!

But now... now I'm almost electric with the burgeoning going on in my psyche. I feel I *am* promise. I *am* potential. It makes my drive toward the bright and vibrant make much more sense! I'm budding.

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Thrihyrne's thistle by eccequambonum

Present and future's so bright

So you remember that post about me being worried about having to dumb myself down and wondering how long it would be before I was able to place myself into a job/career that would be challenging and exciting and I could stay with for years? Well, less than a week since I replied to someone on Indeed (she'd reached out to me back in November but I didn't see it. When I discovered it last Sunday during a casual job title search I assumed they'd hired for the role and just asked her to hold onto my resume and information should a similar role open up again), I accepted a role that ticks every box as a job I will be able to make mine in a way I haven't since working at Nashville Opera.

Thursday morning I felt compelled to check my spam folder and discovered a bit to my horror that the woman on Indeed had replied that day (Sunday) and forwarded on my information to her successor (she's retiring this month). I'd also heard from Donna (the successor), that day (Sunday). So I apologized profusely for being late in replying but said yes, I was interested, and sent resume and cover letter. Within an hour or so Donna wrote and asked if I could interview that afternoon. I said I needed to give a bit of notice, so I took a 7 a.m. interview slot yesterday morning. I sent her my references after the interview (which went very, very well, though I love interviewing and know that I tend to interview well no matter what, but I was particularly excited about the role and situation itself), and then got a call around 4:45 from a number I didn't recognize, so I didn't answer it. Due to celebrating a Friday and just not checking my phone again, I didn't check my voicemail until 10 o'clock. It had been Donna, really wanting to talk with me about the job.

As of around 10:00 last night, I enthusiastically accepted the role of Medical Billing Specialist at Columbia Pain and Spine Institute where I will be part of a small team of 3 specialists and one supervisor (Donna), building an in-house billing and support team from the ground up. Donna is hand-selecting her team (she just started in this role with the purpose of building the team) and I clicked with her immediately during our chat. We seem to be very much on the same page in terms of professionalism, having an agile mind and wanting to create a team within this clinic that, within a few years' time, is seen as a model for other clinics who choose to do/bring their billing in-house and on site. So not only will this role be a Kristi-shaped one, as when I was the one person ticketing department for Nashville Opera, a role that hadn't existed until I was in it, but the entire team will all be coming together at the same time. It's not an exaggeration that I feel like I've just joined an elite force and I will truly come into my own in regards to my profession and being able to really bring all of my skill set to the table. In no way did Donna ask this, but I would enthusiastically sign a 2-year minimum contract to be a part of this new team. I have the instinctive and intuitive sense that this will be the place and environment that is ever-challenging (without it being like Airbnb hypergrowth challenging of nothing EVER staying the same in a frenetic nightmare, but professionally challenging in terms of me able always to learn more, draw on current and future resources and professional groups, and actually challenge *myself* to throw myself into a job I actually believe in and where I will get to learn SO MUCH) where I will want to stay for a very long time. Perhaps until I retire!

So... I've had a lot of busy brain as this all came to pass so quickly, but I'm trying to slow today down back to regular time and remind myself that I've worked to get to this place. I tend to want to see a lot of serendipity and Universe gifts and this certainly falls into that category, but the other very real part is that I've done the work to get here. Despite throwing so much of 2017 into the toilet with my then-unrecognized pattern of creating chaos to start over, I did complete my Medical Coding and Billing certificate online course, I did pass both the CCA and CPC-A national certification exams last March, I did thorough and consistent job hunting to secure a Medical Billing Associate role at ZoomCare and was there nearly 4 months, and continued searching to get placed in the Patient Associate role at CenterLink. I'm the one who decided to write to you, my friends and supporters, when I was despairing about having to dumb down to be safe, ie: living in a post-alcohol environment for myself, and took your belief in me that what I was doing as temporary to heart. I've done what it takes to ensure that I have my disulfiram prescription and Evan and I are in a partnership about me taking it every other day. I'm on buspirone, and also have the Wyld gummies which are subtle yet have been a positive contributing factor to my feeling at 0 on a scale of 1-10 in regards to stress. My brain is healing, I'm living authentically, I feel my core values are far less misty and becoming ever clearer to me, and none of this is a struggle. For that reason alone I know that all of these decisions and this extended period of transition is, without a single doubt, what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life. I believe that the ultimate gift of 2019 will be my year without fear.

Right here, right now, I no longer fear myself.

Oh, and I've been in my post-alcohol phase since 1st December, so today marks 6 consecutive weeks of making that choice. This is nearly always when I get really squirrely, but with all of the other tools I'm actively using at this time, plus the mega excitement of this new role, means that I can safely celebrate (if I feel the need to put that label on it) with the gummies and not immediately put all of these extraordinary opportunities at high risk. What an incredible gift all of this is. I'm awash in gratitude.

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