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Rehab again?

There's a whole lot of emotional upfront in this. Consider yourself warned.

This year has been really difficult. Or, to be more accurate, I've let the different events of this year really take me down. I went on FMLA to try and get my shit together, and sort of did, but then needed to do so again because I didn't have my shit together. So then I went to Hawaii to prove that if something happened to Evan that I could survive for more than a year (yes, that's really what that trip was for me) and all it proved to me was that I'm incredibly dependent on other people. Because without them, I'd be toast.

My mom came to visit, which was both wonderful and terrible: wonderful in that I recognized just how candid I can be with her now after years of having a non-relationship. Terrible in that I could see and hear just how much pain she is in, physically and emotionally.

There was the Sinclair Method. In March, I'd given up. I'd said to myself and to Evan that I had given up. There was no hope. Then I was given hope. With the Sinclair Method. And that brought with it a lot of feels, and crying, and hope.

Now it's November, and I must admit that I'm really struggling not to give up hope. And that is why I'm looking into non-AA centric rehab. Because there are a lot of new facilities out there now that are non-Minnesota method. But I'm realizing that it's really difficult when I can't tell what's perimenopause/alcohol and am just really struggling. And that even though I have lovely, gorgeous tales to tell… what does it matter? I'm an atheist now, and firmly believe that there is nothing beyond this life. It's reassuring, actually, even though I was just singing along with the Godspell soundtrack. But I don't believe any of that. As Evan has so eloquently written, this is all we get, and it's a bowl of ice cream, but when it's over, it's over.

That said, I would give anything for another 50 years with him, and I have to figure out a way to do that. I want to be able to live in my own skin. My friend Rosie couldn't do so. I've loved her throughout that, and recently donated a chair to the St. Peter's Performing Arts Center in her name— she committed suicide on her 30th birthday — and I got in touch again with her parents and older sister. My former husband was not very understanding of all of that, but that says more about him than me. My work pseudonym is Rosie, for her.

So if any of you have thoughts and/or references for facilities that are non-AA centric, I would welcome them. I just don't want to despair, but am finding it more and more difficult not to. That said, I don't feel that I'm in desperate straits, but sometimes it's hard to know.

This entry was originally posted at http://thrihyrne.dreamwidth.org/528137.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
thrihyrne
Nov. 17th, 2015 10:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your kind words. In the hours since writing that, I've recognized that although 30 days away wouldn't be a bad thing, unless it had the perfect mix of Sinclar method, CBT and other things, I'm unwilling to put more money that way. I have a lot of local resources I've not been availing myself of, like seeing my therapist. I'm also now willing to try a different anti-anxiety medication; I stopped taking Celexa this spring because I didn't feel it was doing anything. I'm recognizing that I may require a stronger dose and perhaps something more specifically intended for fear- and anxiety-based issues.
anna_wing
Nov. 17th, 2015 03:16 am (UTC)
I can't help you on facilities, sorry. I don't live in the US.

This is just a general observation, make of it what you will. AA as I understand it asks its participants to accept their own helplessness and rely on a higher power to help them (basically, a transfer of dependency). This does not seem like something that would be helpful to you at all, from everything that you have posted on this difficult subject. It's strength that you want to grow in yourself, not more weakness.

I would not presume to tell you how to do that, but you might find Julian Baggini's book "Freedom Regained:The Possibility Of Free Will", interesting and perhaps useful. It is not a self-help or a lifestyle book. Baggini is a professional philosopher. But it is short and written in a straightforward style comprehensible to the average educated layperson, and you might find his discussion of the issue useful in your own thinking.

I would also recommend the writings of Epicurus, what little is left of them. There are various English translations. Penguin has one, I think.

thrihyrne
Nov. 17th, 2015 10:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your response! Ironically while my library has many of Baggini's books, they don't have that one— but we have a fabulous interlibrary loan program. Even the title I find inspiring, so thank you very much for recommending it.
anna_wing
Nov. 18th, 2015 02:33 am (UTC)
Good luck. I've noticed that you do tend to latch onto things and then be disappointed (apologies for being so crassly explicit about this, but it is a visible pattern), so perhaps there's no need to be inspired just yet, until you've had the chance to read it and see if it might be useful.
thrihyrne
Nov. 19th, 2015 01:12 am (UTC)
That was an insightful comment to make, and I'm grateful you wrote it. It's part of my patterns that I wasn't quite as aware of until you mentioned it. I don't want to lose my passion and enthusiasm for things, but finding a way to be a bit less immediately engaged could assist in there not then being that disappointment and frustration and going down that sort of road.
anna_wing
Nov. 19th, 2015 02:24 am (UTC)
As someone should have advised Turin Turambar: Don't make any major decisions before you've sat down quietly with a cup of tea and a biscuit!
febobe
Nov. 22nd, 2015 03:45 am (UTC)
*gentle hugs*

I wish there were some way to share w/you the peace of my belief. As you can no doubt tell, it doesn't mean I don't struggle or wrestle, but it does give me what peace I have, and it is everything to me. I'm glad you're comfortable with some aspects of your life, but I wish I could "fix" the rest of it for you. I don't know of good facility suggestions, but - do what you must do, dearest, and I will stand behind you all the way. If you end up staying somewhere for a bit, get an addy for you and e-mail it to me, please. I want to keep in touch. I adore you, whatever state you're in, and I want you to know that I have your back.

Love and hugs,
Febobe <3
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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